High Achievers and the Emotional Struggles of Success
For high achievers success isn’t always joyful.
Sometimes it means balancing negativity and the burden of expectations.
The emotions that come with the success of achieving a goal are amazing! Achievements bring a sense of accomplishment and boost trust and confidence in ourselves. And as social creatures we look to share our joy and achievements with others. In doing so, we expect that family and friends will also feel happy for us and celebrate our achievements with us. But sometimes, this isn’t what happens.
Loneliness and isolation are unspoken emotions that high achievers and academically able people often experience as a result of success.
Instead, success results in feelings that affect relationships, connections and overall wellbeing.
Therapy can help develop healthier ways of responding .
Often experienced by academically able people as well, for high achievers who are “expected” to be successful, success becomes an internal conflict of shame and embarrassment.
Why This Happens
Sometimes people aren’t aware of how their behavior affects others. Consider a high-achieving or academically able student who always gets A’s. When they accomplish something difficult, a parent who’s used to their child’s top scores might treat it as just what’s expected, instead of something to be celebrated. How does the student perceive their parent’s reaction to their achievement?
Think for a moment the reaction of a parent when their teen that typically doesn’t fare well in exams scores an A. It is likely different.
It is human nature to connect with others, to feel a sense of belonging, fitting in and being part of the group. This makes us feels safe and accepted.
When a high achiever or academically able person is the one receiving accolades, they stand out from the group, and this sometimes leads to being alienated, called weird, and feeling different.
The psychological impact of feeling the need to “dumb down” to fit in is a harsh internal struggle that affects the core being of who a person is, often resulting in hiding their true-self and loss of identity.
This guilt leads to apologizing, and “I’m sorry” can easily become the natural response to achievements and success.
Sometimes we think of dumbing down our intelligence as a way of being humble.
And when rejection relates to core skills and abilities of a person, it can lead to intense emotional struggles such as sadness and despair. We wouldn’t expect family or friends to, instead of celebrating success, make subtle yet hurtful comments or put-downs about someone’s success, yet it happens.
The pressure to mask intelligence or downplay success can feel like a choice where you lose no matter what: expressing and sharing your achievements can make you happy but alienates you from others.
An internal cycle of negativity can develop over time as high achievers, as well as academically able people, begin to cope with how others respond to their success. Thoughts of guilt and shame, feeling like you’re wearing a mask to please others, fear of being perceived as bragging if you say something, can additionally have an impact on mental and emotional health.
Feeling isolated and disconnected, thoughts that there’s no one you can talk to and share how you truly feel can lead to depression. Social anxiety can escalate out of fear of being singled out for your success. And feeling different from others can develop low self esteem and a loss of self.
It can feel empty and joyless because you’re surrounded by people who you can’t share your success with
Strategies for Coping with Negativity
It is important for high achievers and academically able people to recognize their internal responses to success and reaction of others.
Recognizing negative response patterns and identifying how to respond differently can break the internal cycle of negativity.
A way to counter negativity and protect your emotional well-being is to express how you feel and talk with the person. Either address it in the moment or later, when you’ve had time to think about how to respond.
Understanding Why
Understanding why someone reacts negatively to your achievements can help get a different perspective and sense of their reaction. Some of these are:
Evaluate your friendships
Alternatively, being selective about who you share certain aspects of your life with is a way to strengthen positivity in our lives. Ask yourself: would the friend who is fun to hang out with but is always complaining celebrate your achievements?
Instead of apologizing, maybe offer to help if it fits the situation, or offer a solution.
Stopping the cycle of negativity may be difficult to break when recognizing emotional patterns requires stepping out of established comfort zones however.
Mental health therapy can help identify your internal response patterns and develop a personalized strategy to recalibrate your internal emotional response.
Embracing Success
It is easy to wrap our thoughts with disappointment, fear of being rejected or ridiculed along with other thoughts and emotions that don’t feel great. These are valid emotions to feel and therefore vital to acknowledge and embrace as part of our human experience and personal growth.
However, it is fundamental to acknowledge that all emotions – both negative and positive – are part of the human experience. When we do this, accepting that sometimes we feel great and sometimes not – its ok.
The Control Advantage
A common question that I often ask my clients during therapy is Who do you control? What would you answer?
Recognizing that you control your emotions and thoughts is the first step to navigating social and environmental challenges that high achievers and academically able people face. And that if you want to feel differently, you have the power and control to do so.
How?
Practicing gratitude, using affirmations, and other mindfulness or positive psychology skills strengthens our confidence and creates balance between self-acceptance and social challenges.
How to find genuine connection while being authentically smart
Consider looking at connections and situations from a different lens by allow yourself to connect with curiosity.
Consider for example, something you haven’t done before but sounds ‘interesting’. Choices could be physical, academic or hobbies but the goal here is to challenge yourself to explore something new in a group setting, such as a class, a club, volunteering or community events. Doing so helps discover something enjoyable and new while meeting like-minded people.
Learning and practicing the skills mentioned above can open the gate to finding genuine connections while being authentically smart and celebrating you. Still, I recognize this is not always easy, and furthermore cultivating resilience and self-acceptance may need advanced skills. You don’t need to figure this segment of your journey alone. Schedule a free 10-minute consultation.”
